diff --git a/cmd/tailscale/depaware-minlinux.txt b/cmd/tailscale/depaware-minlinux.txt
index 77993b7f0..b30948028 100644
--- a/cmd/tailscale/depaware-minlinux.txt
+++ b/cmd/tailscale/depaware-minlinux.txt
@@ -80,7 +80,7 @@ tailscale.com/cmd/tailscale dependencies: (generated by github.com/tailscale/dep
         tailscale.com/types/empty                                    from tailscale.com/ipn
         tailscale.com/types/ipproto                                  from tailscale.com/ipn+
         tailscale.com/types/key                                      from tailscale.com/client/tailscale+
-        tailscale.com/types/lazy                                     from tailscale.com/version+
+        tailscale.com/types/lazy                                     from tailscale.com/version
         tailscale.com/types/logger                                   from tailscale.com/client/web+
         tailscale.com/types/netmap                                   from tailscale.com/cmd/tailscale/cli+
         tailscale.com/types/nettype                                  from tailscale.com/net/netcheck+
diff --git a/cmd/tailscaled/depaware-minlinux.txt b/cmd/tailscaled/depaware-minlinux.txt
index 820d27f20..912355aa0 100644
--- a/cmd/tailscaled/depaware-minlinux.txt
+++ b/cmd/tailscaled/depaware-minlinux.txt
@@ -77,7 +77,7 @@ tailscale.com/cmd/tailscaled dependencies: (generated by github.com/tailscale/de
         tailscale.com/types/flagtype                                 from tailscale.com/cmd/tailscaled
         tailscale.com/types/ipproto                                  from tailscale.com/ipn+
         tailscale.com/types/key                                      from tailscale.com/control/controlbase+
-        tailscale.com/types/lazy                                     from tailscale.com/version+
+        tailscale.com/types/lazy                                     from tailscale.com/version
         tailscale.com/types/logger                                   from tailscale.com/cmd/tailscaled+
         tailscale.com/types/logid                                    from tailscale.com/ipn/ipnlocal+
         tailscale.com/types/netmap                                   from tailscale.com/control/controlclient+
diff --git a/version/distro/distro.go b/version/distro/distro.go
index f7997e1d9..1299ed16d 100644
--- a/version/distro/distro.go
+++ b/version/distro/distro.go
@@ -4,16 +4,6 @@
 // Package distro reports which distro we're running on.
 package distro
 
-import (
-	"bytes"
-	"os"
-	"runtime"
-	"strconv"
-
-	"tailscale.com/types/lazy"
-	"tailscale.com/util/lineiter"
-)
-
 type Distro string
 
 const (
@@ -33,124 +23,19 @@ const (
 	UBNT      = Distro("ubnt") // Ubiquiti Networks
 )
 
-var distro lazy.SyncValue[Distro]
-var isWSL lazy.SyncValue[bool]
-
 // Get returns the current distro, or the empty string if unknown.
 func Get() Distro {
-	return distro.Get(func() Distro {
-		switch runtime.GOOS {
-		case "linux":
-			return linuxDistro()
-		case "freebsd":
-			return freebsdDistro()
-		default:
-			return Distro("")
-		}
-	})
+	return ""
 }
 
 // IsWSL reports whether we're running in the Windows Subsystem for Linux.
 func IsWSL() bool {
-	return runtime.GOOS == "linux" && isWSL.Get(func() bool {
-		// We could look for $WSL_INTEROP instead, however that may be missing if
-		// the user has started to use systemd in WSL2.
-		return have("/proc/sys/fs/binfmt_misc/WSLInterop") || have("/mnt/wsl")
-	})
+	return false
 }
 
-func have(file string) bool {
-	_, err := os.Stat(file)
-	return err == nil
-}
-
-func haveDir(file string) bool {
-	fi, err := os.Stat(file)
-	return err == nil && fi.IsDir()
-}
-
-func linuxDistro() Distro {
-	switch {
-	case haveDir("/usr/syno"):
-		return Synology
-	case have("/usr/local/bin/freenas-debug"):
-		// TrueNAS Scale runs on debian
-		return TrueNAS
-	case have("/usr/bin/ubnt-device-info"):
-		// UBNT runs on Debian-based systems. This MUST be checked before Debian.
-		//
-		// Currently supported product families:
-		// - UDM (UniFi Dream Machine, UDM-Pro)
-		return UBNT
-	case have("/etc/debian_version"):
-		return Debian
-	case have("/etc/arch-release"):
-		return Arch
-	case have("/etc/openwrt_version"):
-		return OpenWrt
-	case have("/run/current-system/sw/bin/nixos-version"):
-		return NixOS
-	case have("/etc/config/uLinux.conf"):
-		return QNAP
-	case haveDir("/gokrazy"):
-		return Gokrazy
-	case have("/usr/local/wdmcserver/bin/wdmc.xml"): // Western Digital MyCloud OS3
-		return WDMyCloud
-	case have("/usr/sbin/wd_crontab.sh"): // Western Digital MyCloud OS5
-		return WDMyCloud
-	case have("/etc/unraid-version"):
-		return Unraid
-	case have("/etc/alpine-release"):
-		return Alpine
-	}
-	return ""
-}
-
-func freebsdDistro() Distro {
-	switch {
-	case have("/etc/pfSense-rc"):
-		return Pfsense
-	case have("/usr/local/sbin/opnsense-shell"):
-		return OPNsense
-	case have("/usr/local/bin/freenas-debug"):
-		// TrueNAS Core runs on FreeBSD
-		return TrueNAS
-	}
-	return ""
-}
-
-var dsmVersion lazy.SyncValue[int]
-
 // DSMVersion reports the Synology DSM major version.
 //
 // If not Synology, it reports 0.
 func DSMVersion() int {
-	if runtime.GOOS != "linux" {
-		return 0
-	}
-	return dsmVersion.Get(func() int {
-		if Get() != Synology {
-			return 0
-		}
-		// This is set when running as a package:
-		v, _ := strconv.Atoi(os.Getenv("SYNOPKG_DSM_VERSION_MAJOR"))
-		if v != 0 {
-			return v
-		}
-		// But when run from the command line, we have to read it from the file:
-		for lr := range lineiter.File("/etc/VERSION") {
-			line, err := lr.Value()
-			if err != nil {
-				break // but otherwise ignore
-			}
-			line = bytes.TrimSpace(line)
-			if string(line) == `majorversion="7"` {
-				return 7
-			}
-			if string(line) == `majorversion="6"` {
-				return 6
-			}
-		}
-		return 0
-	})
+	return 0
 }